Monday, March 2, 2015

Crack A Smile & Wink, It Doesn't Scare Me Away

I've gone back to old drafts of posts that I never bothered finishing - here's one of 'em:

When it comes to dating, I think most normally-functioning people have one or more deal-breakers. These are the things that we simply will not allow, or traits that are must-haves in our potential significant others. So I took to Twitter and Facebook, and asked what your deal-breakers are to see how they compared to my own.

As usual, you guys came through with awesome responses. These are a few of yours.

The Must-Haves:

- Fashion sense (no Christmas sweaters after January, so I'm told. Darn.)
- Follow-through
- Sense of humour
- Chemistry
- Love for animals (mainly dogs were mentioned, but this was the most popular answer.)
- Intelligence
- Passion
- Sense of self (I am Kristen. I sense this.)
- Ambition
- Compassion
- A pulse (is this absolutely necessary?)

The Traits You'd Better Trash:

- Narcissism (does this deal-breaker list make me look fat?)
- Laziness
- Control issues
- Smoking
- Rudeness
- Negativity
- Ditziness (like, oh my god!)
- Selfishness
...and probably my favourite (glad two people brought it up) - treating waitstaff poorly. It says a lot about ya.

I have to admit, I've had a few deal-breakers throughout the years that ended up being, well... broken. Sometimes they just aren't as important as originally thought, especially when you end up dating people you never saw coming. That's usually the case with me.

As it stands now, at 31, my priorities have slightly shifted from those of my twenties and I guess my deal-breakers reflect that. All "growns up" with new priorities, and less bullshit I'm willing to put up with. So here are a few of my own:

- My dog has to like the guy. But since she's never met a person she wasn't batshit crazy about (Daisy is an equal-opportunity people lover), it might be more important that he love Daisy - I couldn't ever date someone who disliked my dog. Best-case scenario is when someone loves my dog nearly as much as I do.

- Must love music. Yeah yeah, everyone loves music. But my ideal dude loves music the way I do, hopefully even likes the same styles I do but can introduce me to new bands, and will be stoked to go to shows with me.

- Honesty, follow-through, and accepting me as I am. I lump all of these into one, because put together they represent something pretty important. They're all linked. In my opinion, there's nothing worse than someone pretending to be something they're not, constantly breaking promises, and/or pretending to like your quirks, until you're too far into the relationship and it becomes a big ol' problem. My motto is: less problems, more pizza.

- To steal from you guys, treating waitstaff poorly is a huge deal-breaker. Hell, treating anyone poorly is a deal-breaker. Guess I could change this one to "don't be an asshole". That'll do.

So there are your deal-breakers, folks. Did I miss any important ones?

Thursday, January 15, 2015

When We Went To Where We've Been, Was It Just For Self?

After a breakup a long time ago, I immediately went to my desk and wrote myself a note. It said "I Deserve Better" in large letters. Possibly underlined, but I can't recall. I placed this note under my computer screen so I'd be forced to look at it every day and remind myself that I shouldn't settle for any further crap. Ever.

This is a bit embarrassing to explain publicly, I am well aware of that. In fact, later that same day, my cousin came by and I had forgotten to hide the note. So when she saw it sitting there and said "Yeah, you do deserve better.", I felt pretty stupid. (Luckily, she fully understands my stupid. Embraces it, even. Love me, love the stupid.)

She thinks you deserve better.
So while it is embarrassing, I'm sharing it anyway. Why? Because we all deserve better. Ok, ok, maybe rapists, murderers, slow walkers, and all-around general assholes don't. But I mean you guys. The good folks. The regular people. Everyone doing what they need to, just to live some semblance of a life. You deserve better. The problem is that we tend to put that onus on other people to give us better and to treat us better, simply because "we deserve it". But the truth is, we deserve better from ourselves.

Yep, that's right. You deserve better from your damn self. 

It isn't necessarily up to others to show us the respect we deserve, or to treat us well. Hell... it's preferable that they do, but beyond human decency there's no rule that anyone has to. It's up to us to allow bad behaviour, or walk away from it. That goes for almost everything - jobs, relationships, friendships, even family.

Now, I'm not saying this is a blanket rule. We still often deserve better in the situations that aren't within our control. Like from our government. Or the dude making our pizza. Those are gray areas, you can't always call the shots. But for everything else, you deserve whatever you're willing to put up with.

So now we have the fun task of looking at ourselves and some of the crappy decisions we've made (Me? Shitty decisions? Never.). Are there situations you should be walking away from? Things you blame other people for, that could be irrelevant if you just took yourself out of the equation? If so, do it. Erase those who don't give you respect, close the door on relationships that cause more stress than happiness, & get out of bullshit situations that aren't essential - and do all of this for yourself.

Cuz y'know what? You deserve better. (Yeah, you knew I was gonna say that. You frickin' genuis.)

Also, you deserve pizza. But I suppose that's unrelated.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

We Kissed On The Corner, Then Danced Through The Night

Christmas week has arrived. Are ya ready for it?

I've spent the past couple of days baking a stupid amount of goodies for la famille, and I hope everyone digs what I made. I always worry that the things I bake are somehow inedible to everyone but me, and that people eat them out of politeness. (But nah - my family isn't that polite). Apparently my personal spirit of Christmas includes self-conscious baking.

Mmmm, delicious fattening anxiety.

Otherwise, I'm prepped for the fat man. Tree's decorated, decorations are up, presents are wrapped, and Daisy's Christmas sweaters are all ready so she can hate me as per tradition.

And if you need last-minute gifts, don't forget - you can still get an awesome deal on the tasting, tour and bottle packages from Niagara wineries via Samba Days with my promo code. It ends on Christmas, so you might wanna hurry. Because wine.

To all of you, from all of me (yes all of me, even my wonky left elbow), a very Merry Christmas, Happy Holiday, and a Joyous...Thursday. The pigdog and I hope you have a great one.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Sing Us A Song, A Song To Keep Us Warm

When I lived in Toronto, every time someone new found out that I was originally from St. Catharines, a lot of them would ask about the wine. Most people who visit or live in Niagara tend to check out the wineries, after all. And so I've always felt like a bad little Niagaran chick, having never been on a single wine tour/tasting in all the years I lived here.

I promised myself I'd change that ASAP, and visit every damn winery in the region - so far that list has stalled at a whopping... one. One winery. Gee, I'd better slow down.

But there's a point to this, I promise you. And the point is this - wine is awesome. Wineries are awesome. And visiting awesome wineries with awesome wine can only be whatever word is better than awesome. And that's why I'll be visiting them all eventually, why you should too, and why you should take advantage of a killer promo you can only find here on le blog.

From today until Christmas, Shambled Ramblings readers 'n lurkers have access to an exclusive deal thanks to our favourite friends at Samba Days:

  •  using the promo code 2WINE99 you can get two Wine & Tour packages for only $99+tax (they're usually $59+tax each)
  • each Wine & Tour is a full winery tour for two, a tasting (each tasting is unique to the winery, and some include food pairings) and two bottles of the winery's wine
  • each package is good for two people (tours & tastings for two), so this promo gives you FOUR of 'em, plus the bottles mentioned above, for only 99 bucks
  • there are over 10 different wineries to choose from
  • for full info, visit the website 
This could be you, I hope you guys own tank tops.
So there ya have it, I'm trying to make your Christmas shopping a little easier. You can take care of four people on your list (mom and dad, aunt and uncle, creepy neighbour and his loud wife) all at once. Or, of course, give one package away as a gift and keep one for yourself! You deserve a present, you're a fairly nice person on occasion.

This is an online promo only, but you can always get the packages full price at Shoppers Drug Mart as well. And for the box itself, there is a shipping charge, but if you order the eCertificates instead, they are free and instant. That means cheaper wine, sooner.

Remember, this promo is only until Christmas - and if any of you need someone to be your wine tour +1, you know where to find me. (Online. The answer is online.)

Happy wine-smas!

Thursday, December 4, 2014

When You First Took My Hand On A Cold Christmas Eve, You Promised Me Broadway Was Waiting For Me

Somehow it's already December 4th, and I'm not sure how that happened. Wasn't yesterday July? Did somebody drug me and erase my memories of the past few months? Yeah, that's plausible. We'll go with that.

So since it's December, the holiday season is in full swing. Christmas tunes are everywhere, regular TV has been replaced with Christmas specials, and streets are all lit up and twinkly (and some of you are also pretty lit up and twinkly - 'tis the season and all that). I'm looking forward to decorating the new place for Christmas, even though I haven't even decorated it in general yet. Meh, I don't need your judgement. I like Christmas.

The hatred. Can ya feel it?

My Christmas usually includes putting ears or Santa outfits on Daisy and making her absolutely miserable - it's fun for me, terrifying for her. I make it up to her with treats and toys in an attempt to bribe her into liking me again.

With that in mind, so you can make up for the torture you'll no doubt be putting your own pets through, we've got a giveaway to get yourself back in their good graces.

The PetSafe Holiday Stocking Stuffer Giveaway includes:

Likety Stiks - all-natural, low-calorie treats in a handy, no-mess dispenser.

Busy Buddy Jack - a durable nylon and rubber treat-dispensing toy challenges your dog to figure out how to get the delicious natural rawhide treat. Daisy digs hers.

Egg-cercizer Cat Toy -  make playtime more fun or help your cat stay in shape. Adjust the dispensing holes to slow down cats who eat too fast and encourage exercise.

Indigo Triple Chews - delicious, long-lasting chewable treats that are made with a recipe fortified with healthy ingredients.My pigdog is absolutely nuts for these.

FroliCat Bolt -  an interactive laser toy that projects a laser pattern allowing your pet pounce, chase across the floor, up the walls, and over furniture.

All you have to do is enter via the RaffleCopter widget below, and you're in the draw to potentially win back your pet's love. Can treats and toys make up for the crap we put them through for our own amusement? I sure like to think so.

The contest is only open to residents of Canada. Good luck!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Everything I Love Is On The Table, Everything I Love Is Out To Sea

It's been awhile.

As I mentioned in my one of my last posts, however long ago that was, I had been preparing for a crazy busy October. And since I moved cities, the crazy busy October turned into a crazy busy November... and here we are. Hi.

So I'm in Niagara, attempting to get settled and organized to live a somewhat double life between here and Trawnna. I tend to forget how nuts it can be, changing cities. Daisy and I are getting used to the new 'hood and the new digs, but of course my anxiety-ridden little piglet isn't quite ready for me leave her alone so I can actually go out and get stuff done. I forgot what a pain in the butt that can be.

Baby steps. She's getting better.

Since I moved back, the number one question I've been asked is "is it weird/hard moving back?" Weird yes, hard... less than I thought it would be. I remember in 2010 when I had no choice but to move back here for awhile, it felt like a huge step backward. But this time it's a step forward, just in a slightly different direction. It's my way of getting the best of everything, including the things I need. For work, for my personal life, and especially for my health problems, I need both cities. So I made it somewhat easier.

This place isn't the same as when I left it, so I'll have to re-acquaint myself. I dunno these newfangled bars and restaurants, and I can't even remember which streets are which. And I hate to say it, but I almost kinda sorta oddly miss the TTC. Insane, right? But being car-less in Niagara is strange. It's tough without Marcellus Wallace (my old car).

So in learning all the new junk in my old hometown, I'm hoping to see lots of familiar faces real soon. (Even if some of you have never seen me with dark hair, though it's been over 5 years since I was blonde. Time, she flies.) Show me the ways of your local people, and I will offer friendship and secret ancient stain-removal tips.

And as for you, Toronto? I'll see ya tomorrow.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Recall The Deeds As If They're All Someone Else's Atrocious Stories

The neighbourhood I've lived in for the past 3.5 - 4 years is a pretty safe one. When you're a female living alone in Toronto, the question of safety is usually the first thing people bring up in conversation. But this area has been good to me. For the most part.

As you know I walk Daisy a lot, but we don't always stick to the trails in High Park. I like walking around the neighbourhood streets, because the houses are lovely and some of my neighbours are great. But there's one street in particular I would walk down every single morning without problems, until a couple of years ago. A guy (I won't call him a man, and he's not a boy) started yelling aggressively inappropriate things at me every time I passed by. It became a problem. And he did this to other women as well.

Now, this guy appeared to be slightly mentally challenged in some way. Not severely so, but it was evident at times. Because of this, I didn't know how to deal with his behaviour. So even though he harassed me every single time he saw me, I ignored it. Then one day last year he left the comfort of his front porch and followed me as I walked, yelling "nice ass!" over and over, waiting for a reaction from me. He followed me all the way home.

Honestly, it scared me. So I stopped walking down that street completely. This stupid fear gripped me every time I walked the dog, knowing that I couldn't go my usual route because I was now scared of this guy who lacked normal boundaries. Eventually my inner pep talks did their job (I told myself not to let some creep keep me from going where I wanted; it gave the jerk power he didn't deserve), and every day I started walking further down that street, each step becoming some kind of personal victory over my fear of an asshole. Then one day, I passed his house and beyond. And no one bothered me.

Success! ...but short-lived. As I continued walking my old route down that street again, he started showing up outside. Only now he would sometimes switch up his sexual harassment with a very strange "Good morning, Miss. I like your dog." every once in awhile.

This switch confused me. Are people THAT capable of change?

Nope. They are not. Because the harassment continued, he just hid it behind those odd morning greetings. So, the other day, I heard someone mutter "shake your ass bitch, you're my bitch" at me. The familiar anxiety crept in, and then I heard a loud "Good morning, Miss!". So I said a quick "Morning.", thinking I had somehow misheard the first part. But when I turned to continue walking the dog, he yelled "I love you". And repeated it, over and over, louder and louder.

Well... after years of this shit, and with only a couple of weeks before I move from this area, I'd had enough. So I turned back to him and yelled, loud enough for the whole neighbourhood to hear, "If you say one more goddamn word to me, I'm charging you with harassment - do you understand me?! This bullshit has to stop right now!!"

No reply. Quiet.

I was literally shaking after this, which is silly. Usually I have no trouble telling someone off if they're harassing me or one of my friends. Or harassing anyone, for that matter. But I gave this jerk so much power by ignoring it, avoiding it, and hoping it would just go away. I should have threatened to press charges years ago.

No matter who is saying the inappropriate words or making others uncomfortable, harassment is harassment is harassment. And it is never ok. If there was any point to this overly long-winded tale, let it be that these situations can't be ignored or they fester and worsen.

I'll be honest - I haven't gone back down that street since my outburst. So maybe I've failed myself in a way. But I have started bringing my phone on my walks again - if anything happens, whether from him or someone else who enjoys harassing women, I will call the police now. Because people like this need to learn that we will fight back. It's the only way there's any chance for improvement.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

And I Listen For The Voice Inside My Head. Nothing - I'll Do This One Myself.

Welcome to October.

Yeah yeah, I know it's been October for over a week. Gimme a break.

This particular October (October 2014, for those who have just been brought here via Delorean or Star Trek transporter. Welcome.) is an especially crazy one for me. To start, I've just found a new casa to live in, as well as a new city. I'm moving to Niagara at the end of this month, for multiple reasons. But don't worry, Toronto-folks - I'll be splitting my time between the two cities, so I'll be here all the damn time. You'll still feel my constant presence and think to yourselves, "What the hell? Why is she still here?! Go away, evil she-witch!".

Moving cities surely brings out the best in people.
So yes, the joys of packing up my life and planning a new one are a big part of my October. In addition, I also have two medical procedures coming up that I'm anxious about, as well as a big presentation in front of far too many people to properly cap off this month. Public speaking is something I tend to shy away from, so it's all kinda terrifying. Then, with the move on November 1st, it also means no Halloween. This month properly showcases the worst parts of being an adult. Responsibilities? Blah.

Needless to say, I'm stressed and a bit overwhelmed. So here's where I need your help - I want you, whoever you are, to post your go-to song(s) that always put you in an awesome mood. I don't care what it is, I don't care if you know I'll hate it, I want you to post it. Because this Schlock-tober is going to need a killer "I can do anything, I'm frickin' Wonder Woman (though not for Halloween obviously, because THAT DOES NOT EXIST THIS YEAR)" playlist to keep spirits high while I get shit done.

Ready?? Go!

(P.S. - There's one more day to enter the World Animal Day giveaway, so you should probably go & do that.)

Friday, October 3, 2014

I Am Fuel, You Are Friends. We've Got The Means To Make Amends.

This Saturday October 4th is World Animal Day. Did you know that? Probably not. (I'll be honest - I didn't either, until recently.)

Well, based on my never-ending photos of Daisy alone, you know I'm an animal lover. And so, to properly celebrate World Animal Day by giving back to our amazing pets, I've got a pretty awesome giveaway on behalf of PetSafe Canada.

Great for both dog owners and cat owners, this giveaway pack is valued at over $200 - it includes:

For dogs:
- 6 oz box of indigo Smokehouse Strips
- 18 oz box of indigo Triple Chews
- 6.5 oz Sweet Potato Dental Sauce
- Busy Buddy Jack
- Lickety Stiks in chicken flavour

For cats:
- Frolicat Flik toy
- Funkitty Egg-Cersizer
- 2 Feline Lickety Stiks in s dairy and tuna flavours

And for both cat and dogs:
- Drinkwell Stainless 360 fountain (this is especially useful for those of you with multiple pets.)

Here's how ya win:

a Rafflecopter giveaway
Good luck, and Happy World Animal Day! Go squish your pets & show 'em some love.

Friday, September 26, 2014

I Bet Given The Chance You'd Eschew The Divine, & Start A Little Business Selling Contacts Online

Last Thursday kicked off my first-ever JFL42 (thanks to a kickass birthday gift from the seester - thanks Steph!). For the uninitiated, JFL42 is a Just For Laughs comedy festival in Toronto, with a group of headlining acts (Amy Schumer, Nick Offerman, Seth Myers, etc) and 42 other comedians performing at venues throughout the city over 10 days.

Do the math. It's a lot of comedy. 

We started on at The Garrison (side note - Oast House beer & tacos go well with stand-up) for Nikki Glaser, then headed to the Queen Elizabeth Theatre to see one of my personal favourites - Tim Minchin.

Excuse the shitty pics - just picture a barefoot, tight-pant-donning, eyelined ginger (oops, sorry - only a ginger can call another ginger "ginger".) being absolutely amazing and hilarious both on the piano and off.

I didn't take photos of any other acts - some didn't allow photography, anyway. But, for your reference, the pic above was the stage at Amy Schumer's show. Gerry Dee was her surprise opener, so that was fun.

Later that night at the Comedy Bar, we saw the New Faces of Comedy - a whole bunch (don't make me count) of Canadian comedians with shorter sets. Some of them were so damn funny, I wouldn't be surprised if they became headliners next year.

This was written in the bathroom stall at the Comedy Bar.

Ladies, it's a comedy bar! Don't cry about the dude, make jokes about the guy's inability to pick his underwear off the floor and/or the 5 hours a day he spends on the phone with his mom. You'll feel better.

Google took out my red-eye - see how creepy I am?

After those shows were Sabrina Jalees, Iliza Schlesinger, Jen Kirkman, Tig Notaro, and Paul F. Tompkins (plus their openers all the New Faces. I'm bad with names, gimme a break.) - all hilarious, and all responsible for potential new stomach muscles. And speaking of laughter, this experience has given me a new theory about the ability to know someone is an asshole based solely on their laugh... but that's a post for another day.

Good times.

Currently, I'm in Niagara for the Grape and Wine festival and am missing out on the final weekend of JFL. Please, send my love to the Broad City girls. I feel like they 'get' me.

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